Jiggling and Flailing

I am not good enough. I can give you 50 reasons to back that up. My hips are too big. My hair just never seems to look right. My laundry room looks like a college dorm-room. It is simple to see that I am average. Not special in so many ways.

For many years of my life I wandered. To and from colleges, personalities, hobbies and God. I didn’t understand why people would post quotes and pictures of how grandiose life was. Because to me it seemed like a torture experiment to see who could get to Boardwalk with 2.5 kids and a gorgeous husband. Gag!

God made me wait. I wish I could tell you I knew why. That the waiting was to sharpen my skills or teach me to be patient. But, my waiting seemed like God was playing a cruel joke, leaving happiness just beyond the grasp of my clenched fist.

It turns out my waiting was SELF INFLICTED torture. In those brief fleeting moments of brave clarity I could tell you why God was making me wait but I wasn’t going to do anything about it. He was simply asking me to let go. Let go of the multiple relationships I “found” myself in.

Oh, sure God why don’t I just throw myself free falling into a bottomless pit? Jiggling and flailing the whole way down. No, thank you. I’ll just wait for the short cut. And maybe if I wait long enough or ignore it for the next few years, God will change His mind. That seemed completely rational. I feared the letting go so much that I was standing firm with my hand in the air, the first in line to offer myself up to be miserable. All because I didn’t want to be uncomfortable.

One day God did for me what I couldn’t. He around the world kicked me with the fastest leg I’ve ever seen and I found myself flailing. The situation I spent years fearing was upon me and it hurt just as much as I had anticipated. See, I received a text that one had found out about the other and as I was writing the reply trying to spin the situation; I just stopped running.

The time had come. I chose to stop fighting. To get honest. And the pain eased just a bit. I asked and often begged God to bring me through this unscathed. To make the pain go away. And He did. It was hard but it didn’t break me.

I remember thinking if I had known it would be a rubberband flick instead of a gnaw off your arm kind of pain I would have saved myself the years of unhappiness.I spent years convincing myself that I was not strong enough. Not brave enough. That I needed multiple people to feel loved. This is the type of thing those women who wear high heels everyday and pretend it doesn’t hurt make it through. Not average Ally.

But, God is faithful. He told me what He wanted. He showed me what I could have. And although it took me years to get there, when I let go, He picked me up. He brought me things I never felt worthy to have. Bravery, a career where I get to speak His name LOUDLY, one man who loves me well, joy, peace and ability to be fully known by those around me.
He is faithful. Listen, let go. Don’t waste years of your life running like I did.  Because you are braver than you think, stronger than you could ever imagine and WORTHY of the life God planned for you. When you let go, HE WILL PICK YOU UP.